The other day as I was walking around the courtyard feeding Ferguson the Duck, and picking up the mail I ran into a guy from the ward. He said he was craving a Jamba Juice smoothie ever since I told him I worked there so he invited me to go get one. After we stopped by we walked back to Raintree and we sat by the stream and talked for a while. We got to talking about how Facebook is a destroyer of lives, how I wish I could cancel my account but in reality it's not really an option. We talked about how texting is the lazy, easy way out of really talking and getting to know someone. We talked about the girl who was writing to him while he was on his mission and how that didn't work out when he got back home and they went on a date - there was just no "spark" for either of them, so they fell out of contact again. We talked about the fact that I'm not dating anyone or really going on many dates. He told me he was surprised by that.
I'm not saying that this guy wants to date me, and I don't think I'd want to date him. We're friends, and I like the fact that we can talk about stuff like this without there being a desire on either side, we're both neutral parties.
I'm not really one to take a compliment gracefully. Normally I'll reject and rebuttle; I'll tear myself down and point out my faults. This time, I just listened to what he had to say. He said I have a happiness and warmth just radiate from me and that it's something most people would like to be around; that it's a quality that people seek. I told him about this past summer and how there were so many wonderful people in my life who really helped me gain a self-confidence. I told him about how I haven't always radiated that warmth that draws people - how I used to be much more introverted.
This got me thinking - what was it that changed this summer? How did I become the woman I am today instead of the girl I used to be? Where did that confidence really come from? Is it because I worked in retail where I was forced to be more outgoing? I don't think so, because I worked the same way while in California. Was it because Charlee got me out of the apartment? I don't think so, because she was often with her boyfriend and I got out on my own a lot. Was it because I started working out more? I do think that had much to do with it. I felt like I was accomplishing something everyday I was able to go to the gym, but I don't think that was really the root of it. I think so much of it had to do with praying for confidence. It came little by little, but it has grown and I still feel it growing.
Last night my roommates sat around discussing past boyfriends and dates they've been on. I sat there feeling as though I had nothing to add to the conversation. I felt ashamed by the fact that I haven't really been in a serious relationship. I thought back to freshman year - my first roommates. Stephanie is married, Arielle is getting married in December, and that just leaves me. Arielle used to think that I'd be the first of the three of us to get hitched, though I never thought so. I knew that I was still so introverted that it was going to take time for me to break out of my shell. It's now 2 years later and I'm still searching - trying to figure out who I am and where I want to be. Last night I was down on myself because I realized that it's taken me so long to just get into the dating pool. I thought that because it's already taken me so long that it wouldn't come around for a while, still.
As I sat there with my head on the table Charlee asked us what song we wanted to listen to. I was in no mood to listen to anything sappy which is what I was sure Amy or Heather would choose based on the conversation. Instead Amy chose a song by Josh Groban called "You Are Loved". Listen to it now. It talks about never giving up. Everyone wants to be understood, everyone wants to be loved. It's almost as though it's sung from Christ's point of view. He loves us, and he always will. He understands us. We are loved.
